The Akatsuki Group Meeting
by EvilMentalHamster
Summary: The Akatsuki have to have a group meeting to discuss things.
1. Chapter 1

"Welcome to the meeting of the Akatsuki," Pein announced "Will everyone sit please,"

The members of Akatsuki sat down at a large, ominous looking table.

"Okay," Pein said as he looked around at the members "The union has contacted me, they have told me that I have to hear your feelings and suggestions or I will have to pay a large amount of compensation... so please, the floor is open,"

There was complete silence for a few moments.

Pein sighed "Does no-one have anything they want to share with the group? About the group maybe?"

After a few seconds, one of the members raised a hand.

Pein smiled at the Akatsuki member "Yes?"

Itachi smiled back "Well I was thinking..."

"Yes?"

"Is it possible for each member to have individual theme tunes?" Itachi asked pleasantly.

Pein raised an eyebrow "Excuse me?"

Itachi shrugged "I don't know, like I think it would brighten us up a bit. Give us some originality,"

"This is a professional terrorist organisation," Pein stated dryly.

Itachi nodded "Oh yeah I know that yeah," He held up his finger "But! Imagine this: I'm walking towards my enemy; I'm gonna absolutely pwn this guy yeah? And while I'm walking, the tune of _Low Rider_ is playing!"

Pein cocked his head at him "_Low Rider_?"

Itachi nodded "Yeah! It's by War I think,"

"I'm not sure this is entirely professional," Pein said.

"Wait, wait!" Itachi begged "Imagine Kisame pwning someone to the tune of _In Too Deep_,"

Kisame grinned and nodded "That would be uber cool,"

Itachi pointed at the Kisame and smirked at Pein "See?! He likes the idea!"

Pein raised an eyebrow "Quite... can we please move on,"

"This is a serious proposal!" Itachi yelled banging his fists on the table.

Pein looked at him "Please control yourself Mister Uchiha,"

"I say you hear him out," Kisame muttered quietly "And stop being a little bitch about it,"

"What?!" Pein asked angrily.

"I said you should hear him out," Kisame said louder not looking at Pein.

Pein sighed and beckoned for Itachi to continue his idea.

Itachi grinned widely and waved his finger at Deidara "Erm, erm, his song should be..." He snapped his fingers together "Ooo-"

"_Don't Stand So Close To Me_? So Tobi backs off hmm?" Deidara suggested.

Itachi frowned "What? No! It should be _Tick Tick Boom_ by the Hives!"

Deidara considered this "Hmm hmm," He nodded "That'd be good yeah,"

Itachi clapped his hands together happily "Yes! Yes!" He pointed at Tobi "Yours could be-"

"_Don't Stand So Close To Me?_ So Deidara backs off?" Tobi said playfully.

Itachi shook his head "No! It should be _Pork and Beans_ by Weezer!"

Tobi shrugged "I'd rather have _I Just Can't Wait To Be King_ by Lion King but yeah whatever,"

"Are you done yet?" Pein asked.

Itachi glanced at him "No," He pointed at Kakuzu "Yours should definitely be _Money (That's What I Want)_ by Boys to Men!"

Kakuzu clapped his hands "Oh how fun!"

"And Hidan's song should definitely be _Tubthumping_ by Chumbawamba!" Itachi exclaimed happily.

Hidan smiled "I get knocked down, but I get up again," He sang quietly to himself.

Pein tapped his fingers on the table "Done?"

Itachi looked at him "One more,"

"Oh?" Pein said "Who?"

Itachi pointed at him "You!"

Pein shook his head embarrassed "Oh no I couldn't,"

Itachi nodded vigorously "Oh yeah definitely!"

Pein smiled "Oh go on then,"

Itachi rubbed his chin "Hmm, maybe," He murmured to himself; he clapped his hands together "Yes! That's perfect!"

"What?!" Pein asked excitedly.

Itachi looked at him and winked "_Gay Bar_ by Electric Six,"

"Get out," Pein growled.

Itachi laughed and ran out to the Akatsuki's kitchen.

_More To Come..._


	2. Chapter 2

"**Aargh**!"

The Akatsuki all turned to look at the kitchen. After a few seconds appeared Itachi. Tears filled his eyes and he held an empty tub of some sort.

"What is it Itachi?" Pein asked with a sigh.

"It's so bad…" Itachi whispered looking to the ground with his Sharingan eyes.

"What is it Itachi?" Pein repeated in a rather annoyed tone.

Itachi looked up dramatically and took a step forward. He flung the plastic tub to the floor which slid towards the table and hit Kisame's chair leg.

"My ice-cream…" Itachi said and scanned all of the Akatsuki "It's gone… someone has eaten it,"

There was a hush around the table. Who had dared to take Itachi's ice-cream? Had their own food products became victims as well?

Hidan trembled at thought of his ice-cream being eaten. He leaped to his feet "My Baked Alaska!" He sprinted to the kitchen to inspect if in fact he had become a victim to the mysterious ice-cream eater.

The loud whimper that soon followed from the kitchen confirmed that he was also a victim.

"We have a serial eater on our hands," Itachi said gravely.

"Someone's been eating my cereal?" Kakuzu frowned.

Itachi shook his head "No… as in serially eating ice-cream…"

Kakuzu blinked at him "Someone's been mixing ice-cream and cereal together… that's barbaric…" He looked to the floor in thought "…barbaric…" He murmured.

Itachi stared at Kakuzu "No…"

Hidan's voice called out from the kitchen "Someone has eaten Kakuzu's cereal too!"

"Oh dear lord," Kakuzu whimpered.

"Looks like someone has mixed it with the ice-cream as well!" Hidan added.

"…Barbaric…" Kakuzu whispered.

Pein stood up and regarded everyone in front of him "It looks like we have a food thief in our midst. This is a very serious matter. This is the whole sort of matter that we have to attend to in our meetings. Thankfully it seems that not everyone's food has been taken."

"Deidara's muffins have gone!" Hidan shouted.

"What?" Deidara roared as he marched to the kitchen. Upon realising that the news was true, there followed an even greater roar.

He marched back into the room grumbling. He stood next to Itachi "This shit needs to be sorted out hmm,"

"Calm down," Pein urged, he looked at Itachi "Please ask Hidan what else, if anything, has been taken,"

"**Anything else gone Hidan**?" Itachi shouted.

"Well I could have done that," Pein groaned shaking his head.

Itachi shrugged "Well why didn't you?"

Hidan's voice stopped the conversation from growing "It's been a food massacre!"

Kisame snivelled slightly when he heard this.

"Kisame's fish fingers are gone!"

Kisame's snivel evolved into a fully grown weep "Oh dear lord no!"

"Tobi's Smiley Faces are no more!"

"Ayeeeeeee!" Tobi shrieked "Not my smiley faces! With their smiley facey goodness!"

There was a few seconds of silence. Pein had a feeling it was coming. What had became of his strawberry laces?

"Pein…"

"No! Don't say it Hidan!" Pein answered quickly "I don't want to hear,"

Hidan walked out of the kitchen chewing a strawberry lace "Oh, okay then,"

Pein decided not to react to this. The whole situation was already stressful enough.

"Right…" He said "It seems that we'll have to call upon our proverbial fly on the wall,"

"Ya whut?" Itachi said, he shook his head "That's dumb idea, we should just ask Zetsu,"

"That's what I-"

"Great idea hmm," Deidara grinned, he looked around the room and then called out in the way that someone would call for their pet dog "Zetsuuuuuuuu! Come out, yeah!"

Zetsu popped up from the middle of the table "Yes?"

Kisame grabbed him by the scruff of his plant "You gotta help us maaaannnn! They took my fish fingers!"

"I'm presuming this is about the missing food?" White Zetsu said.

"It definitely is," Black Zetsu nodded.

"Do you know anything?" Kakuzu asked.

"I would have thought it'd be fairly obvious," White Zetsu said.

"JUST TELL US!" Hidan yelled.

Zetsu pointed towards the corner of the cave "Him,"

Everyone turned to look at the corner of the cave. There sat a humongous, extremely round and obviously very tired, familiar face.

"What are you doing here?" Pein asked.

The person burped and looked up at them "Oh…" He waved towards the front of the cave "I kept the key after I left," Orochimaru smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

"Someone has to go and fetch supplies," Itachi said with a firm nod.

"No Itachi," Pein answered "We need to get on with this bloody meeting,"

"But he ate all our food," Itachi complained gesturing to the roly-poly Orochimaru that sat in the corner of the room.

"Teehee," Orochimaru tittered.

"Besides," Itachi shrugged "We need snacks for movie night,"

"Movie night won't be wonderful if we don't have snacks," Kakuzu murmured.

"I'm sure Konan will pick up some snacks when she collects the DVDs," Pein reassured the group.

"Is that where she is?" Itachi crooned "I thought she'd simply been forgotten like Zetsu always is,"

"You'll see one day," Black Zetsu snarled.

"Quiet down," White Zetsu hissed.

"She'll get **shit** DVDs and **shit** snacks," Kisame muttered loudly.

Pein shook his head "Now, now. I'm sure that Konan will cater to all our film needs,"

"She'll buy shit soppy films and scold us when we complain," Kisame retorted "The only reason that you don't complain is because you like The Notebook,"

"It's a good film," Pein answered calmly.

"It's a gay film," Itachi interjected.

"Who's to say that Konan will get me more Baked Alaska?" Hidan said as took another of Pein's strawberry laces out of his pocket and chewing on it.

"Or get me smiley smiley faces?" Tobi added.

"Someone needs to call her or something, yeah?" Deidara said.

"I'll do it," Hidan grinned and whipped out his mobile phone.

"Will you stop getting all fidgety about the bloody movies and snacks?" Pein roared.

Itachi's Sharingan eyes widened in fear, Tobi hid behind Deidara who along with Kisame, Zetsu was frozen in fear. Kakuzu was crying. Hidan on the other hand was still waiting for Konan to answer him on the phone.

"For the love of Jashin, is there no bloody reception in this cave?" Hidan swore as his call failed to connect.

Pein whacked his fist loudly against the table so Hidan would look at him "**Would you please just sit down?**"

Hidan nodded and then walked out of the cave "Will do Pein baby, just got to make this call so we don't get stuck watching another chick flick," He disappeared out of the cave only to poke his head for a split second "Or should I call it a 'Pein flick' right guys?"

The rest of the Akatsuki started to giggle.

"It's because he's gay," Itachi sniggered.

"I'm not gay," Pein said.

"You're favourite film is Bridget Jones's Diary," Kisame laughed.

"I'm a fan of Colin Firth,"

"You're a fan of being gay for Colin Firth, hmm," Deidara said.

"I've heard that Pein wants to bathe fat Orochimaru," Kisame said jovially.

Orochimaru wiggled slightly in the corner.

"That is not true!" Pein retorted.

"I've heard that Pein wears PJs and sucks his thumb whilst he cries to the end of Dirty Dancing!" Itachi laughed.

Pein jumped to his feet and banged his fists on the table shaking the very foundations of the cave "**THAT WAS ONE TIME!"**

There was a stony silence save for the small grunts and farts of fat Orochimaru in the corner. Nobody knew what to say or to do.

Hidan popped his head into the cave again "I've heard that Pein wears PJs and sucks his thu-"

"-We've done that one," Itachi said quickly to negate the situation.

"What about Pein wearing PJs and sucking his thumb whilst crying to the end of Dirty Dancing?"

"Yep,"

"Mega lolz,"


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay, have you sorted everything out with Konan now?" Pein asked as Hidan sauntered into the cave.

Hidan grinned and nodded, "I sure did,"

"Good," Pein said and gestured to his seat "Now if you could please sit down and we can finish this horrid, horrid meeting,"

Hidan ignored him however and his grin grew even wider "Hey guys," He said jovially.

"Yes?" Everyone barring Pein answered.

"I reckon Konan has a crush on me,"

Itachi leaned back in his seat, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah,"

"Where'd you get that idea from then?"

Hidan placed his hands on his hips in a triumphant manner, "Oh I don't know... maybe it was the way she was drooling down the phone to me,"

Kisame guffawed, "As if!"

Hidan nodded vigourously, "She did! I was soaked with drool even through the phone. I was as wet as you fish boy,"

"Don't call Kisame 'fish boy' you know it makes him cry," Itachi warned.

"Sorry Kisame," Hidan said quickly.

Kisame nodded solemnly.

"Can you sit down please, Hidan," Pein said.

Hidan took his seat and looked over at Pein, "Hey, no hard feelings big man, right?"

Pein blinked at him,"Excuse me?"

"Well I know you put in a lot of effort with Konan but maybe you just went too far,"

"What are you talking about?" Pein said gruffly.

"I think Hidan is saying that you came across a bit needy, hmm," Deidara explained with a fleeting smile, "Sometimes, the way to a girl's heart is not by necessarily smothering them, yeah?"

"I do not smother her," Pein stated.

"Oh sure no," Hidan said and rested his head on the table, "Course you don't,"

"We've seen him looking at pictures of her longingly," Black Zetsu said.

"Quiet you fool," White Zetsu hissed.

"Ooo, that's desperate," Kakuzu said.

Pein stared at Kakuzu for a second and then changed his glare to the Zetsu, "Do you make a habit of spying on me?"

"Yes," Black Zetsu smiled.

"You do?"

"Yes,"

"Why?"

Zetsu shrugged.

"Do you spy on anyone else?" Kisame asked.

"Why? Are you scared that i'll blab about your intimaces with that trout?" Black Zetsu responded.

"Well I was," Kisame muttered.

"You haven't been watching Tobi have you?" Tobi asked in a worried tone, "Tobi's a good boy. I wouldn't be up to no good,"

"All we've seen of you," Black Zetsu said, "Is you constantly clipping your toenails. You do it every night... you must have the fastest growing nails ever!"

"I'm not sure i'm happy with you spying on members of the Akatsuki without my permission," Pein growled.

"He shouldn't be doing it full stop," Kakuzu said, "We're all trustworthy young fellows,"

"You're not young and you know it," Itachi answered, he turned to Pein and smiled, "No hard feelings on Konan, boss. My brother knows some young talent that I could try and you get set up with,"

"Doesn't your brother want to kill you desperately?" Pein asked.

Itachi laughed, "Yeah, yeah he does,"

Pein shook his head, "I believe this meeting is going wildly off topic again,"

"Yeah, what was this meeting about again?" Kisame asked.

"I need to hear your feelings and suggestions... the union has ordered me to,"

"How about individual theme tunes?" Itachi said.

Pein frowned, "We've already been through all that crap with you,"

"Yeah, but Zetsu wasn't here last time," Itachi said nodding at the plant-like ninja.

"No," Pein answered, "I would like any suggestions or feelings on our goal as an organisation,"

"What is it again?" Itachi asked.

"Something about drinking Gin, yeah?" Deidara smiled.

"Ah right, of course," Itachi grinned and nodded.

"No," Pein growled.

"No?" Both Itachi and Deidara said.

"No," Pein repeated as a vein in his forehead started to throb.

"Then what is it?" Itachi asked.

"We need to capture the Jinjuriki,"

"Well that's basically what I said, hmm," Deidara said brashly.

Pein gritted his teeth together, "Does... anybody... have... any... suggestions... about... how... to... capture... a... Jinjuriki?"

"Ooo," Itachi said loudly.

Pein looked at him, "Yes?"

Itachi flipped his phone around and showed the picture of a young girl with pink hair, "You could get her apparently. She's right desperate,"

Pein's eye flickered violently, "Can we... please... get on with the task-"

"Hey Pein!"

Pein looked at Hidan who was now standing up again, "What?"

"I'm just gonna go nick some of your aftershave so I can totally put the moves on Konan, okay?" He grinned.

"NO YOU CANNOT!" Pein roared.

Hidan frowned and sat down "Fine whatever, you are so totally gay for Konan it's pathetic,"


End file.
